I was unfortunate enough the other night to turn up at the Portmore toll plaza ‘cash poor’, I had plastic, but no cash.

The young lady assured me they did not take credit or debit cards and the office was closed “because it was Sunday”, so I could not
top up my toll pass either. Of course by now I had my flashers on and a growing line of disgruntled drivers behind me…who were mumbling none too
softly…I need to stop block the #%@*^& road…

In the end the young lady was kind enough to pay my toll with my promise I would pay her back on my return trip.

“THANK YOU CASSANDRA”

This whole unfortunate incident should never had happened and I would like to think I am not the first or the last person caught in this unlucky situation. This has exposed a serious flaw in the operation of the toll plazas and could be rectified by:

1. Me being smarter and making sure I always have cash while driving; toll plazas and police officers do not take plastic. (I just could not resist that last bit)
2. With current technological standards, toll operators should be able to handle a credit/debit card transaction even as a last resort.
3. The office should always be opened if they are the only ones who can rectify a situation like this.
4. Huge signs saying “Cash Only” toll road ahead before you are actually on the toll road, past the point of no return.

While I am on that point…let me just warn you…missing the Spanish Town exit on the Portmore to Old Harbor stretch simply means you are going to Old Harbor…but that is another story.

How often have you seen little fender benders on the road and rather than stop to help sort things out you see police cars slow down, look and then drive past?

The other day, my transmission went to car heaven on Hope Road race track. About five police cars drove pass an empty car with hazard lights on at 9:30 P.M. and all now, not one stop ‘Fi seh dawg!’.

#TIP 1 - If you are broken down somewhere and you need police assistance or escort, make sure you park/leave the car in some way which constitutes a ticket-able offense…Very few Jamaican police can pass up the opportunity for a quick hustle.

Another thing I noticed of late, since that f**ckery 2 A.M. Music lock off law…no matter where the party is, as soon as it gets around to that time…you see police cars drawing near, even though the party usually goes on for another hour or two.

#Tip 2 - If you have to call the police in the wee hours and want to make sure they come quickly, do not tell them your house is being robbed…turn up your radio loud and tell them that the session next door music too loud…again like tip #1…the easy hustle is the bait.

Another scam they have going, is to pull you over for your vehicle having a ticket-able offense.

The other day I am driving to the Tire Warehouse in Portmore to change a damaged tire. When I got to Maxfield Avenue a police man stepped out into the road and pulled me over. He then proceeded to circle my car…he saw the damaged tire and said “I have to give you a ticket for that tire and it is going to be $7,500.00 plus six (6) points off your license”. I explained to the officer that I was aware of the tire damage and was in fact on my way to get it fixed…he just repeated his seven five, six points mantra, a couple more times.

Very annoyed at that point I told him to go ahead and write the ticket…at which point he asked me for my car papers. He wrote the ticket, which I took and threw in the trunk of my car and went about my merry way.

A few days later I went to the Tax Office with my ticket and my hard earned $7,500.00. When I got to the cashier I handed both to her and after she looked over everything she asked me if I was just paying for the ticket alone. I replied “yes”, at which point she handed me back $5,500.00 as the ticket was in fact for $2,000.00!!

Apparently the scam is to stop you and find an offense and then tell you some exorbitant sum for the ticket and a whole lot of points, to make you panic and “give dem a money”. Fortunately the charge for a particular offense is not arbitrary and if you refuse to play ball they have to write the ticket for the value of the offense rather than the “scare money” quoted.

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS SCAM!

In the long run, $2,000.00 at the tax office benefits you more that $1,000.00 given to a ‘tiefing’ police man! Do not be frightened by the points’ threat either as no one seems to keep track of these ‘points’ and it would actually take work and intelligence to figure out that mess, so again, you are pretty much safe for your license being suspended. In all the years of this point system and Jamaicans’ bad driving I still have never heard of someone whose license had been actually suspended, have you?

Young girls strutting their stuff in two piece bikinis for a chance at the big time; not a problem in and of itself, except that one of the girls happens to be 13 years old and the other 14…WTF!!!

Where are the parents of little Rochelle McKinley and Shermonique Ivey? WTF is wrong with Kingsley Cooper. Come on, I know there is money to be made in the modeling racket, and that the younger you get them the better, but what has happened to bare minimums?

Why is there no minimum age for whoring out little girls? This is absolutely ridiculous. What is the next step…the pole? It is mind boggling at times the fuckery that takes place in this country of ours and it is even worst when it is passed off as business as usual.

Look! We know that Jamaica is not the most up and up place on this big blue marble, but that does not mean we cannot set some bare minimums, identify some lines we do not cross, some things we still hold and keep sacred, and some steps we refuse to take; the innocence of children should be foremost amongst these things.

13 and 14 year old girls in two piece bikinis is not something we need to do, not something we should condone. Even if there is no law against it, Pulse and its managers need to at least wait until the “little pickney“ dem “bust breast”. Pseudo kiddie porn is just WRONG!!

WARNING! This article contains extremely foul language. If you are offended by such please read something less colorful. Now for the not so faint at heart let us dive in…

That it is still punishable by law to “cuss bad words” onstage during an adult event is nothing short of “Fuckery“. This “Blood Claat” hypocrisy is allowed to go unchallenged by Jamaicans while we convince ourselves that we live in a democracy, and we have freedom of speech and other self expression.

The “system” justifies blatant censorship by arguing that it is to protect our children who hear bad words at home, school, on the buses, on the road and every “Blood Claat” place imaginable.

The last time I checked the dance hall is no place for minors, hence the criminalization of bad words at these events is quite asinine. In the same way I can pay money at a massage parlor and get my “hood sucked” or pay to watch skanky ass Russian girls dance naked at Platinum, I would also like to reserve the right to hear every word written in a song including the “Bumbo Claats“…thank you.

With ticket prices running into the thousands and the lack of talent among our current crop of DJs, every, “Raas“, “Blood and Bumbo Claat“, becomes very important in ensuring value for money. That I am to be deprived by the “Blood Claat” hypocrites who are going to make noise over a few well placed bad words, while the children they claim to be protecting are being “fucked” and worst in places of “safety” is quite ironic.

This censorship is not about the effects of bad words on children. We see them all over the streets of Kingston neglected, abused and unwanted. If their well-being was important, why then wasn’t ‘Elephant Man’ prosecuted for having children under 10 years of age as a part of his act? This is not about the society either, our murder rate is approximately 3-4 persons per day, yet murderers are not hunted down and prosecuted as ardently as foul mouthed DJs.

So what is this “fuckery” really about?

Two “fucking” syllables…control…con…”fucking“…trol! It is an action outside of what is deemed acceptable, it is a challenge to the status quo which dictates that they control our voices and our ideas. They need to maintain control over the masses for the current levels of corruption to go unchecked, for the plight of the young and elderly to remain unseen, and for the rape and abuse of children in government facilities to go unnoticed.

Control our voice…they control our expressions! Control our expressions…they control our minds! And to that I say…not a “BLOOD CLAAT“.