Everytime I need to sign some document that needs me to justify or prove my honesty, I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DISHONEST! And I am tired of it!

Whats the point of this stupidity about justice of the peace? I don’t know any…oh yeah…I know the ones I invariably have to pay off to sign the passport picture, bank application etc…BUT he/she doesn’t know me…hence why I have to pay them to tell lie for me as I can get sh*t done If I don’t.

Government sanctioned extortion

Is this a setup, is it a post given to old political cronies, whats the point, I am broke, yet I can afford to pay $500 to have my loan documents signed…So I am damn sure, that the miscreants of society who are out to do illegal shit from the get go are in no way hampered by this “security measure”.

AT $500 to sign and stamp a document: 10 people per day, 5 days per week, works out to be a whopping 100,000 grand per month, tax free, why the F**K! is this Government sanctioned extortion allowed to take place.

Oh yeah, they are not supposed to charge…but THEY DO!! and everybody including the school children in China knows they do CHARGE…not all, not most (well maybe) but enough charge for this ’free’ service for this practice to as worthless as a third nipple.

These people have no INTEGRITY…they are nothing more than dishonest f*ckers who have been granted the privilege to stick their hands in the cookie jar.

CRAZY SUGGESTION

Rather than tax prostitutes, it might be a much better idea to make certifying documents a paid service. Affix a set fee to each ‘Stamp and Sign’ and apply tax like anything else. Because while the concept is sound, Jamaica and Jamaicans are way too corrupt to be expected to honor the spirit of the system…it sounds bad…but unfortunately thats the way we are.

Can you imagine a a medical doctor, who will take $500 Jamaican dollars ($7.15 USD) to pretend to know you…just stop for two seconds, and imagine what this same ‘Doc’ would do for $100, or a $1000USD or more.

In just over 8 weeks of existence Life in Jamaica, has survived its 6 weeks blues and is on its way to becoming a definitive voice in the storm. over the last few weeks, we have seen a tremendous surge in traffic due to the efforts of sites like lightondark and mostinspired who have linked us as featured site and of course our number one search engine google.

After looking through my logs I have noticed, that the most popular search term has been “Life in Jamaica” followed closely by “is weed legal in Jamaica”. So to set the record straight I have decided to publish the “Official” un-official guide to Life in Jamaica.

Disclaimer: information provided here is provided as is and purely from my point of view as an individual citizen, any harm accidental or otherwise is not the responsibility of this author as information provided is provided as is, without warranty for educational purposes only. Also please note: my perch is an apt in New Kingston with a background in Portland bush via uptown…other view points might provide different results.

So here goes:

The Official “Un-Official” Guide to Life in Jamaica by Topic that popped in my head:

General Living

Life in Jamaica is a quirky juxtaposition of elements and ideas that provides for a very rich and varied experience. Life here flows along at a quite relax pace and as such no event ever starts on time…don’t be fooled by this though Jamaicans are always in a hurry, especially when driving, we drive as if the pearly gates are around the next bend and closing fast. We are a passionate people quick to laugh and quick to fight, we pride ourselves on our ingenuity and natural talents and as such usually view hard work and training as a waste of time.

We are fairly shallow and easily impressed by material trappings so…image is very important to us…all in all most of us have our hearts in the right place…though or fickle “red yeye” nature tends to move it around pretty liberally…If they have street corners in heaven, then that would be where you would find the Jamaicans.

Ganja (marijuana, pot, weed)

Smoking weed (marijuana, pot, weed) in Jamaica is ILLEGAL…yep you can actually get arrested for it. But one of the quirks of this colorful island is that having a law and enforcing a law are two whole different kettles of fish. Generally you will not be arrested or harrassed for smoking a spliff (unless the policeman in particular is broke). You can see people puffing away quite happily at parties, clubs, events, street sides unmolested. Beware of trying to taking the weed out of the country though…exporting or attempting to export Ganja is a serious crime and is treated as such.

Crime

Like everywhere else in the world where you have people, you have crooks…its been this way since the beginning. You have to be careful especially in the city…however, don’t panic from the scary tourists advisory you might hear. They give statistics which often does not reveal the true situation. Yes we have a high murder rate, yes they call us the murder capital of the world. However, what is important is that people are not being killed willy-nilly.

Jamaica’s high murder rate is link to a complex web of gang activity, drugs, guns and turf wars, we also have a high incident of domestic murders…So keep your nose clean, avoid gangs, drugs, guns, turfwars and stay far away from your psychotic relatives and you should be just fine.

Money

We never have enough and for the average Jamaican life is a constant hustle. We however do enjoy a fair standard of living for a third world country and while we definitely have poverty here, we are not all living in “tar paper shacks on Montego Bay”. The rich in Jamaica have more money than God, the rest of us make do. Our currency is the Jamaican dollar, but US dollars, English Pounds, and Canadian Dollars are also legitimate currencies and will be accepted mostly everywhere…beware the exchange rate you get for these foreign currency transactions though.

Men

Irresponsible, charming, egotistic with a fragile sense of masculinity. Jamaican men are a very complex species. Our self concept is largely tied to our prowess with the ladies, the amount of money in our pockets and our ability to “floss” wherever we go. Stylish and fun loving we play hard.

Our promiscuity and underdeveloped fatherhood instincts make us poor husbands and fathers….generally, but we have been working on those weaknesses. Whatever you do, NEVER under any circumstance…challenge a Jamaican male’s masculinity…this includes; disses in front of his crew, woman, or any questioning of his masculinity. This is the surest way to turn a normal easy going dude into a raging maniac.

Bottomline: Handle with Care!

Women

High maintainance, smart, sexy, Jamaican women are at the top of the game…they are natural divas who make the best use of resources at their disposal to ensure they are always looking their best. They are generally more educated than the men (statistically speaking) and tend to be on the voluptous side.

If you like a girl with a phat ass, then Jamaica is definitely your paradise…If you have never danced with a Jamaican woman then you have never really danced, be careful, however, all that glitters is not gold…some of these girls come with shovels for hands and they will take you for all you are worth.

Bottomline: Treat them good and prepare to spend.

Music

This is Reggae and Dancehall country…we have a couple of alternative and pop acts plus a few wannabee rappers floating around…but Dancehall and Reggae rules the landscape. I could not begin to scratch the surface on Jamaican music here so grab your favorite search engine and look it up.

Ethnicities

The majority of the population comprises of people of african descent, with pockets of Indians, Whites and Chinese. There is also a reasonably large portion of the population who is of mixed parentage.

Religion

Jamaica has one of the highest ratio of churches per square mile in the world. The country is primarily Christian , with a little bit of everything else thrown in. Our christianity however is usually found combined with some of the African traditions the slaves took with them for example spirit possesion. Religion is not generally regarded as a part of daily life… teachings and principles are usually reserved for sundays (church day). 

Also important to the Jamaican Religious landscape is Rastafarianism, grounded in the teachings of Marcus Mosiah Garvey and centered around the idea that Haile Sellassie I is the last incarnation of God.

Politics

Or politrix as its more appropriately reffered to by some, is largely a popularity contest between the two main political parties. The ruling Peoples National Party led by the first female leader of the country, Portia Simpson-Miller, and the Bruce Golding led opposition, the Jamaica Labour Party.

These two parties have evolved along identical lines of self aggrandisation for the political leaders and little if any idealogical differences. For those who bother to vote, the choice is usually made based on tradition, where one was brought up, family preferences and personal and business links.

Despite all of this Jamaica has enjoyed a stable “democratic” system of government from independence in 1962 until present day.

Infrastructure

Is generally good for a third world country…access to electricity and communications is almost universal. We also have a very good water supply (you can drink from the tap) though you might face water restrictions in certain areas during the dry season.

Education standards are fair to good as well as access to health care and transportation. With the launch of the highway 2000 project, an effort is being made to build a highway to link all parishes together via highway.

Homophobia

Jamaica has always been highly homophobic which has been fueled in part by the very strong anti-gay themes that can be found in popular music. In the last decade or so there has been a largely un-acknowledge shift in the populations stance towards homosexuality and many “open” gay men and women now live here without the levels of harrassment that would be expected from a highly homophobic society.

Of late clashes between the public and homosexuals seem to only occur when, gays try to take their lifestyles to the public space.

Bottom line: If you are gay, keep it to yourself. All public homosexual activity will be treated with extreme prejudice.

Corruption

Jamaica is ranked as being highly corrupt. This is true especially in politics, our police force and government. Both political parties and many members of parliament have been linked to any number of scandals. Red tape is so efficient that most people find it convenient to just grease the wheels in any official transactions.

Police

Is tradionally seen as an agent of the state rather than servant of the people. The general population have very little trust in the police force to “protect and to serve”, rather they are seen as an extension of a corrupt state and pretty much “uniformed hustlers”.

Traffic police are especially corrupt, so most traffic violations can be negotiated for between $500 and $2000 Jamaican dollars depending on the severity of the breach.

Our police force is mostly comprised of under educated, undertrained individuals who are “looking a food” rather than upholding the laws of the state. Heavily armed they should always be handled with care.

Fashion

Fashion is very important for Jamaicans, and no expense is spared to ensure that we are wearing the best of the best that we can afford and sometimes ill afford. Our sense of fashion goes beyond mere clothing and footwear and includes our accessories.

In recent years cellphones and cars are as much apart of ones fashion statement as what we wear.

Fashion tend to follow trends which might suggest we are not that interested in looking unique rather that we are able to afford and wear whatever is in.

Nightlife

Jamaica is party central, we are famous party animals, most parties go on until the sun comes up…and then some goes longer. Generally, parties and sessions start very late…so if you want to head out at 10pm chances are you are going to help with the setup.

There are also a wide variety of parties you can attend from clubs, to sessions as well as street dances that have flourished in the inner city communities, Early mondays, Passa Passa, Dutty Fridays to name a few.

Jamaica is not only about parties, we have a pretty vibrant theatre scene with 2-3 different plays running at any given time as well as poetry readings, Jam sessions and the cinema. Being an hour from the US does have its benefits as movies usually open in Jamaica the same day as in the US or a few days after.

Whatever your taste you should be able to find something to whet your appetite.

Summary

This is list is by no means exhaustive, as such this post will be updated from time to time to add or edit topics as the need arises. If I have missed something or if you have a query please post it in the comments section.