There are few things that are more aggravating than a dunce driver, and trust me there are more dunce drivers on our roads than you can cuss a badword at. Isn’t it kinda weird that most people drive like the gateway to heaven is around the next bend and they just baptise? whats the rush? It’s not like anybody ever reach anywhere early…It just seems like it is hard wired in our psyche to rush and hurry…even when we have no where to rush and hurry to.

There are more mad people on the road driving, than you can find at Bellevue any day of the week.

And it is quite evident if you should keep a watch on Hope Rd. on any night, particularly Saturday and Sunday nights. A few months aback one brethren kill off himself and another brethren at about 3am in the morning…where the hell could he be hurrying to at 3am? everywhere lock…

But then dunce is dunce…you can’t stop to let people cross the street without idiots behind you blowing, some people seem frighten for car horn or them just like blow. We need to ask purpose when the vehicle land on the wharf and if the answer is Taxi, just tear out the horn and throw it away right there.

I could go on for days writing about the escapades of the dunce drivers…so here goes, 8 ways to know if you are a Dunce Driver.

1. You drive an executive coaster bus or a robot taxi.

If you do, you are a dunce! past participle DUNCE!! Tear up the license you bought and leave driving to people with sense.

2. You watch the “other light” and drive off as soon as it turns red?

If you do you are an idiot, the delay is to facilitate the other idiot (and you might well be one) who speeds up on the amber to “mek it” through the red light. If you have ever had an accident at a stoplight and you were wrong then its just darwinism…the dumber ones die first and its more luck than merit why you are here reading this.

3. You race to beat everyone through the 4way stop?

If you are one of those pigs who think the four way stop is a race…ask the person who reading this article to you, to read you the relevant section of the drivers handbook (and yes you can look at the pictures).

4. You pull up right behind the car infront even if it mean blocking an intersection or minor road?

News flash, one car length closer to home is not going to change the price of your bread you selfish bastard.

5. You do not use indicators or hand signals.

Then how the hell will other people know you are turning or planning to? You would actually have to have a brain to qualify for mind reading…

6. You blow your horn as soon as the light goes green?

I have just one word for you monica: physics

7. You drive on the right hand side of the road to avoid waiting in line?

You are a coaster bus/ robot taxi driver! see above, I have nothing more to say to you.

8. You take detours to cut out traffic that bring you back to the same road?

Thats why the traffic backed up in the first place…idiots like you, trying to edge back unto the road. Cars travelling in a straight line travels faster than when intersecting at right angles.

If you realise you are a dunce driver…please for all thats good and pure…just tear up the license you bought and leave driving to people with sense or ask the person who is reading you this article to read you the drivers handbook.

Jamaica

I live in New Kingston, so unless I am going to Portland (parish of conception), I exist in pretty urban sorroundings, I have wireless, cable and even a standby generator in my complex so even when that rare power outtage occurs, I am usually blissfully unaware (excluding that dull roar of the generator in the background).
So whilst I drive full tilt down the information highway, checkking my email on my mobile phone as I go, I tend to periodically forget that I still live in a third world country.

So its moments like these that bring me back to reality…these little moments I like to call “third world moments”. If you are still unsure what qualifies as a third world moment, then just try to do business with or get any useful information from most government agencies. Lose your passport or drivers license and you will in very short order realise what I am referring to.

PARKING TICKET

So yesterday evening I pulled up infront of JMMB knutsford BLVD at about 6 pm, (let me state upfront I was going to park illegally really quickly and use their ETM).  Now before the wheels of the car stop turning this police man charged over and started yelling at me “ah haffi gi yuh a ticket, yuh park inna a no parking zone”.  At this point I was a bit taken aback as I really hadn’t parked yet…so I said to the officer “I haven’t parked as yet”.

The very irate police officer at this time started to shout even louder, that “yuh violate!, yuh violate!” at which point I started laughing (yeah I know…bad idea to laugh at an irate policeman with a gun) but I couldn’t help myself. Still thinking I could get throught to him, I said “officer you could have just said move along”, by this point I think he was conscious of the attention he was recieving, so he just gave me the silent treatment and wrote up the ticket.

By this point I figured I was getting the ticket anyway so why not just, park properly and do the business I was intending to do.

AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY

Unless you are the type of person who have no qualms about going through the hassle of debating a parking ticket in court (a government office - see above), then be very careful where you stop, pullover or “bruk dung”…as you just might get a ticket for “stopping, pulling over or “brukking dung” in a no parking zone”.

Remittance is one of the main props of the Jamaican economy. It is the second largest earner of foreign exchange next to tourism. So its fair to say that money transfer in Jamaica is big business, and there are no shortage of players. Their rates, service, opening hours and effeciency may differ but they all charge a fee, its how they make their money.

Here I will outline a method of transferring money that is more cost effective and convenient, than western union or any of the other players in the transfer business. This assumes you are sending or recieving cash from one person fairly regularly.

TRANSFER MONEY FROM US TO JA

1. Get your, spouse, father, mother or whomever is minding you to open a Checking account with Bank of America.

2. Have them get and activate check card and send it to you via fedex or with someone who coming down (don’t tell that person the pin number)

3. Go to any scotia ATM and draw to your hearts content, you can also use the card as a debit/credit card.

BONUS: Scotia Bank has a foreign exchange ATM in Liguanea where you can actually get your money in US$ and avoid “tiefing” exchange rates.

NB. If the account goes below the minimum limit of $25 (have them verify this amount) It will attract a charge so do not go below this minimum balance…the fees are fat ($35.00) I think. Alt. you can have them use a savings account to provide over draft coverage…Though this will attract a $10 charge for each transaction…Bottom line avoid the fees or this is not free or in fact cheaper.

TRANSFER MONEY FROM JA TO US

In the unlikely event you want to send cash to someone in the US.

1. Create a Scotia Bank account and get them the scotia ATM card.

2. They then go to any Bank of America ATM and withdraw the money.

NB. I am not sure what is Scotia Bank’sÂminimum to keep an account active…figure that out and have them keep that in the account at all time. Also be aware that the scotia card will not work as a debit/check card in the US.

CONCLUSION

This may work for other banks, but I have only done this with BA and Scotia, if you use a BA card in NCB there is a $5us charge. The card will not work in a RBTT atm. The reason this work is that BA and Scotia are apart of a global alliance, and so member banks use each others ATMs at no charge.

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This is a short story that kept me awake one night. I will rewrite it here as a “trilogy”.

PART 1

Tonight I am coming up aces, The car screeches to a halt, firm, smooth, I push off the seat…Moving before the wheels finished their final revolution. 9mm in hand, I am fluid, dark, motionless in my actions, heading for the house. I see one ‘yute’, a soldier, he’s strapped, but unaware…I squeezed the trigger and the earth swallows him up, smooth…he dissappears as if he has never been. the sounds of my pistol are lost to my ears, swallowed up by the night whose blacknees it seems, caresses the muzzle to stifle the flashes and absorb the sounds.

The darkness is mine, the bright moon subdued by a single bank of heavy clouds, working in concert to serve me and my destiny….there is one light inside the small house, in the living room….even under the cover of the darkness that abets me, I can make out the thin woooden door divided by eight glazed glass panels. Set into the fading blue walls of the verandah…the eight milky panes feigning the horror of some bloated blind beast…whose eight eyes have been stabbed out.

PART 2

I am close now…I see an outstretched foot materialise out of the ground…Its dark but I see…I see everything…I hear everything…I feel everything….The breeze that should have been there in this dark country night, but is not…its gone. Refusing to witness my aces. Hopping the leg of the fallen youth I rolled unto the verandah…Like a fog of death….the light…TV blue from my viewpoint….wavered as if giving way to the darkness that walked with me.

The doors open as if by magic…spraying splintered wood and broken glass…I sweep the room, taking in the old man dozing on the raggedy plaid sofa…his face taking on the thousand faces of the tv that watches him sleep…he is horrified and welcoming, happy and sad at this nexus where my bullets sheperds the life from his body…he died dreaming…his final sigh almost a lament that he is gone before he can truly witness my beauty…

PART 3

I swept the house for all other threats, there are none…the others I eliminate as they are found…a woman…two young boys…I erased them all…swift and Godlike…I wiped away the stains on my life…the chains that arrested me and kept me from soaring as I was meant to soar…

I hear a blast…its harsh and real…an antithesis to the silenced sounds of my pistol…this sound is hard and real…a cold slap even…slowly I awoke…the harsh flourescents of the Esso service station in halfway tree cutting away the darkness…the morning is slow…nobody except another two or three sleeping taxis and the cashier chatting to the security guard…I fumbled the bottle of warm water from the cup holder, take a sip to rinse the sour taste of sleep from my mouth.

As I slowly drove into the still kingston night, windows down I feel the missing breeze caress my face and I thought briefly of my family in temple hall…father, brother, woman and two sons…I try to zero in on the next fare….already my dream is just a memory…the way only dreams can be…I still have a family to feed…I still need to find customers…Tonight I need to come up aces.

1. Service

These guys take service to the next level. None of that “a suh Jamaica run” crap. Its so refreshing to find a bank that actually let you feel that you are more than a walking wallet, JMMB gets customer service right.

2. Speed

I can actually go in and out in under 15mins at almost any time of the day! Try that with Scotia or NCB where the average wait is measured in Hours. My last NCB wait was 2 1/2 hours, SCOTIA 1 hour 20 minutes.

3. Checking Account Capabilities

I can get a check issued in the name of anyone, my landlord, friend or family and they can pick it up directly from JMMB so I can pay individuals even when I am out of the island. Furthermore if I request the check online its free.

4. Insurance

I am a freelancer so I don’t get company medical, for the price of a night or two at Quad JMMB provides me with bluecross coverage.

5. Competitive Interest Rates

9.9 % at the time of posting on my savings account.

6. No Reference to Open Account

No stupid references needed to give them my money, nothing annoys me more than being asked for reference to give some one my business…shouldn’t it be the other way around?

There you have it, my six reasons for using JMMB rather than a commercial bank like NCB or Scotia.